Last Updated on: 20th March 2019, 06:45 pm
Part of loving yourself is being able to set boundaries on what you won’t allow into your life or what you won’t allow to distract you from your dreams, goals, and the things you consider most important.
In the past, I’ve put up with a lot of things I shouldn’t have, and as I learned how to better love myself, I’ve learned to say no to the people and things that are not good for me.
Here are some of the things I’ve learned NOT to put up with and what you shouldn’t either.
1. Mistreatment
This seems common sense, but surprisingly, a lot of people allow themselves to be mistreated for fear of being ostracized or for fear of offending. We give so many excuses for other people’s bad behavior until such time that we find ourselves in a really bad place.
I’ve had so many caregivers mistreat me (stealing from me, shouting at me, being violent, etc.), and it’s funny how most people think I was in part to blame. Sure, I wasn’t perfect and I probably wasn’t the easiest person to get along with, but that did not make it okay for them to mistreat me.
I believe that if you have an issue with someone, then you should talk it out to resolve it instead of treating the other person in a mean way.
I was hesitant to fire them, though (I must have fired only a few) because I felt
sorry for them (they needed the job), and I guess a part of me believed that I
caused them to act the way they did.
In the workplace, I was also mistreated by some colleagues and even superiors. I didn’t realize that I was being bullied, and no, bullying is never a light matter even among adults.
I reached a point where I was dragging myself to work (just because I still had bills to pay) and was hardly eating. I got to a point where I was mostly just eating ice cream, which was my comfort food.
At the time, I thought that I must be doing something wrong and that the “accusations” they threw at me were valid. It was only a few years later, as I was writing a paper on workplace bullying that I realized it was what happened to me.
We often get mistreated, but we think it’s “normal” that we tolerate it or just ignore it even when it hurts us.
I’ve learned not to put up with mistreatment and to not allow myself to be caught up in such a situation.
You can fight back either by letting them know you’re not putting up with the way they treat you or by doing whatever you can to resolve the issue. With regards to my workplace bullying experience, I tried to escalate the issue to upper management. Unfortunately, that didn’t help my case at all; it even made it worse.
I believe in trying to preserve relationships as much as possible, but if all else fails, you can just avoid these people or cut them off your life.
2. People Telling You What to Do
What you do with your life is up to you. Although you can and should listen to other people’s advices, suggestions, or opinions, as these can help you make decisions, what you do with your life is ultimately up to you.
You are the one who will benefit or suffer from the consequences of your actions, so you have to make sure the path you choose for yourself is something that YOU think is right for you.
You can’t blame others for advising you to do something, as it’s still your choice
to follow their advice. Whether their advice is wrong or not, you are the one
who’s responsible for “cleaning up the mess” if it turns out to be the wrong
decision or if you do something just because it’s what others tell you to do.
As for me, I’m stubborn in that I don’t listen to what other people say. Well, I listen, but I don’t necessarily follow everything they say. When I quit my last job to work freelance full time, no one supported that decision. All my family and friends advised against it.
They advised me to put up with the bullying (yes, it was the main reason I quit
working in corporate) as the job offered me security. It paid very well whereas
freelance work didn’t offer much in terms of job security.
I felt, though, that they were not in my shoes. They didn’t understand
what I was going through, so how could they know what’s best for me? I quit my
job anyway, and it was the right decision after all. I’ve never gone back to working
in corporate since then.
In everything, I make sure I do what I think is best for me. Of course, I consult others so I can consider all possibilities, but I always make sure I’m accountable for my choices.
3. People Telling You What You Can’t Do
People not only tell you what you should do, but they also tell you what you can’t do. Although these often come from good intentions, they have the tendency of limiting you, especially if you’re not as strong willed.
Although my family and friends advised against me working freelance full time because they didn’t want me to have financial issues and because they didn’t think I can make a decent living from freelancing, it could have made me doubt my decision. Had I listened to them, I probably would still be suffering from workplace bullying, that is, if I hadn’t been fired already.
At another corporate job I had, the company laid off most of the employees. I was chosen to stay, but I asked my boss to include me in the layoff. Everyone thought I was nuts for voluntarily wanting to be laid off.
They were worried that I wouldn’t be able to find a new job right away, especially since I was wheelchair-bound, and not many companies might want to hire people like me. I had freelance jobs at the time, though, so I believed I could survive a number of months while looking for a new regular job.
Fast forward to a couple of months later, I was hired by another company and offered a 50% pay increase two weeks before the layoff took effect (We were given two months to look for a new job as they finalized the layoffs).
These experiences have taught me that, in the end, you know better what you can and can’t do, so if there’s something you want to pursue, then just go for it regardless of what other people say.
4. People who betrayed you
If people betray your trust in a way that really creates a lot of damage, then you shouldn’t have to put up with that, especially if they don’t apologize for or acknowledge what they did. This just means what they did was done with malice or ill intentions.
I’ve had people in my life who have done me wrong but who were honest enough to tell me about what they did and how they were sorry for it. This tells me that whatever they did was not with ill intentions but probably due to other reasons.
It’s a personal boundary that I’ve set where I cut off people from my life when they betray me in a major way. It’s not that I don’t forgive them—I do. I’ve learned, though, that forgiving someone doesn’t necessarily mean allowing them back into your life. I forgive them for my own peace of mind, not because I want to be on good terms with them again.
5. People who are not true to you
Likewise, you can sense when people aren’t being true to you—when they don’t like you but are trying to be nice to you. I find this patronizing and something I choose not to put up with.
Life is short and your time is limited. Make sure to spend it with people who appreciate your company and whom you feel comfortable with.
6. People who don’t understand you
People have different interests and worldviews, and yours may be different from the people around you.
For years, I’ve always wondered why I found it quite difficult to really connect with people. I felt like I wasn’t being heard or like no one was interested in what I had to say. I felt like all my intentions were being taken the wrong way. I couldn’t understand what was wrong with me.
Several years ago, I met someone online whom I also got to meet in person. He had the gift of prophecy, and on our first meeting, he was telling me stuff about me that I didn’t even know. For the first time, I felt understood.
As I shared my frustrations with him, he told me that the reason people act the way they do toward me is that they don’t understand me. That made me feel sad and frustrated, like how could I make them understand me? Was I destined to feel alone?
As I tried to seek answers, I learned that not being understood doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with me. It’s just that the people I have around me have different mindsets, interests, and worldviews. There’s nothing wrong with that. They’re entitled to be whoever and whatever they want to be.
I learned, though, that I don’t necessarily have to hang around the same people all the time. As I met more people outside my circle, I got to meet people who understood me—strangers who could almost read my thoughts and who understood where I was coming from without me having to explain myself. I felt instant connections with them.
These experiences taught me that if the people around you can’t understand you, then that’s fine. You have to respect them for who they are, but you are free to seek and spend more time with people who get you and who appreciate you better.
7. People who abuse your kindness
Society and religion teach us to be kind to one another. I’ve learned, though, that kindness without boundaries can lead to that kindness being abused.
I used to be a pushover in the workplace where I would do everything colleagues or superiors ask me to do until I found myself getting over fatigued with too much work. A former superior then advised that I should learn to say no.
As I started having my own team for my business, I tried to be as lenient as possible in an effort to be more considerate. However, it led to some of my team members abusing the leniency, which affected the quality of service we delivered. It was then that I tried to impose stricter rules and made quicker decisions on who to keep and remove from my team.
Whether in the workplace or in personal relationships, it’s important to set boundaries or limitations in the kindness we show others.
8. People who don’t recognize your worth
You should never short-sell yourself. This especially applies in the workplace or business. Ensure that you are compensated properly based on your competency and expertise.
When I was working in corporate, I was able to quickly advance in my career as I never settled for less than what I believed I was worth. The same goes in business. I work only with clients who recognize the worth of the services we provide and who recognize the value of what I bring to the table.
In personal relations, don’t let anyone belittle you. If the people around you don’t appreciate you or value you in the way you deserve, then you should try to broaden your circle of friends and try spending more time with people who recognize your worth.
9. Mediocrity
Whether with regard to yourself or with regard to others, you should never settle for “just okay” or “good enough.” You should always strive for excellence, as this is the only way you can ensure success In what you do.
You should also not settle for people and relationships that don’t enrich your life. You should set high standards for the kinds of people you allow into your life, as these people will have a great influence in your life and will help keep you on the right track.
10. Negativity
Try to keep your distance from negative energies—be they people or things. Avoid people who have a negative mindset or who have negative vibes.
Avoid watching the news too much, as they can also bring about negative energies.
If you hear people gossiping or talking about things in a negative light, you can simply ignore them and walk away.
Even if you are not directly involved in these situations, they can still have a negative impact on your day.
11. Being Told “No”
No doesn’t always mean no. Sometimes, it can be turned into a yes with a lot of insistence or persistence.
I’m pretty stubborn and don’t take no for an answer. I give up only after I’ve tried everything and still not get the results I want.
As an anecdote, I was going to withdraw money from the mall one time, and the ATM I went to had the “Offline” sign. My friend said that we should just look for another ATM. However, I was in a rush, and the previous ones we’ve been to were also offline. Well, stubborn me insisted that we try the ATM anyway.
I tried to insert my ATM card into the machine, and it worked! It turned out someone just forgot to remove the “Offline” sign after the ATM was fixed.
Morale of the story: Don’t easily give up when someone tells you no.
12. Disrespect
I believe that you should always be true to who you are, whether in your opinions or in the way you live your life. If someone disrespects you because of your chosen lifestyle, because of the way you think, or because they think you’re different, then simply move on.
There’s no use trying to defend or explain yourself to these people. It’s their problem if they choose to be disrespectful, but you don’t have to stick around for it.
13. Unhealthy work conditions
According to Leigh Campbell of the Huffington Post, the average person spends about 13 years and 2 months of their life working, with an extra year if they also work overtime. As such, be sure that your job provides you with healthy working conditions.
Life is too short to spend so much of it on getting stressed out or feeling tired and sick. Although it can be quite difficult to look for a job, you should make plans to look for a new job should the current one be causing you more problems than it’s worth.
Don’t be too complacent or think that you have no choice. You will surely find other options if only you make the effort to look for them.
14. Violence
You should never put up with violence in any form. Signs of violence—whether verbal or physical—are a red flag, so make sure to distance yourself from people who have violent tendencies.
15. Negative criticisms
When someone negatively criticizes you, it’s usually to make themselves feel better or superior over you. Don’t let what they say get into your head or make you question how you do things. If they truly want to help you improve, they would criticize you in an unoffending way, with clear messages on how you can improve.
However, if their criticisms are nothing but hurtful, then just ignore them. They’re probably the ones with issues, not you.
16. Narrow mindedness
I believe that narrow mindedness is the root of problems like prejudice, racism, discrimination, and others. They take place due to people having rigid perspectives and worldviews.
I have total respect for these people. They are entitled to their own perspectives. I just choose not to engage with them too much.
I’m open-minded, and I think that discussing my different perspectives with these people will be futile and may just lead to conflict. I will never get to change their minds, and they will probably just get frustrated that I don’t agree with them.
17. Things that feel forced
Life is too short to spend it on things that feel forced—be it a relationship, a job, a book you’re reading, or an activity you’re doing.
Make sure you spend your time in a meaningful way by engaging in things that you feel passionate about or that you really like or are interested in. Doing something that feels forced means you’ll probably do it half-heartedly while engaging in something you really like means you’ll give it your best.
18. Your fears
When there’s something you want to or should do, but you fear its consequences, the thought of these fears consume you such that they can keep you up at night or distract you from your activities.
The best way to overcome your fear is to just do that thing which you fear. You will soon realize that doing it will not kill you and that your fears just existed in your head. Facing your fears head on is the best way to make them go away.
19. Insecurity
Although we should be compassionate toward everyone, especially those who need a bit of an ego boost, you should not constantly hang around people who are insecure. No matter how positive you are, their negative energies can rub off on you and make you feel down.
It’s also difficult to be yourself around people who are overly insecure, as you’d constantly worry about offending them. Being around them can feel like walking on eggshells.
Although you should definitely help them feel better about themselves, you shouldn’t make it your job to help them overcome their insecurity. At the end of the day, they should be the one to seek healing in their own way.
20. Negative feelings
Whether it’s sadness, anger, or despair, you shouldn’t dwell on your negative feelings. Allow yourself to feel them for a while, and then shake them off by focusing on positive things. Try doing something fun or creative, which will take your mind off the negative feelings. You should be aware of how you feel, so that you can quickly divert your negative emotions to positive things.
What other things don’t you put up with? Please share in the comments below.
